Effing Sixty

I shall be crossing over into that undiscovered country within the coming weeks. No, not the undiscovered country "from whose bourn no traveler returns," though that's certainly possible, and is the one thing that would prevent my crossing over into the undiscovered country to which I do refer, namely: fucking sixty.

I remember my father saying to me when he was fifty-two years old, "I never thought I'd get this old," something that is universally felt and probably universally expressed. I too never thought I'd get this old, and oddly, I haven't.  Not really. Though the craggy face that glares back at me in the mirror bears little resemblance to the one that presented itself just twenty years ago, and no resemblance at all to that fiendishly handsome face that I so admired forty years ago (I  kid, but only because I have been kidding myself for years; my self enjoys being kidded by anyone, but especially itself), my consciousness of selfness seems not to have changed at all, save for being more conscious. Conscious, not self-conscious, which I am much less of, though still too much of.

This has been the year that most of my high school classmates crossed over, and I regret that I missed the 60th birthday party we (well, the blessedly activist people who actually decide things) decided to throw ourselves. I was still in denial. I was also in St. Louis (the difference being small), and the party was in Denver. Nevertheless, I have decided to commemorate this passage with a list of the most import things I now know and value, knowledge acquired over this rough passage of years. One hundred and seventy years ago St. Louis was the "Gateway to the West." from which point many thousands of pioneers found their way to the Oregon, Santa Fe and other famous trails west. Mine was the Santa Fe trail, literally from St. Louis to Santa Fe, where I most recently resided and hope to return to once again when my work in St. Louis is finished. Travelers on that trail, made obsolete in the 1870s with the arrival of the railroad, faced hardships and depredations that we can scarcely imagine now, though they do have their analogs upon the treacherous trail of life. Anyway, without further digression, I'll now present my list. Those of my readers who have also made, or are about to make, this passage will likely relate to much of this, and it may even be of some small value or encouragement to those on the trail for whom this milestone is yet far distant. They are listed not according to importance, but as they presented themselves to my consciousness.

• One of the smartest and best things you can do for yourself in life is gain a good working knowledge of statistics and the laws of probability (truly); but statistics say that you probably won't.
• The best and happiest people are those who commit themselves to good things (people, service education, vocation, spirituality, lifetime learning, excellent soup) and stay committed. People who fuck up their lives and pump themselves with antidepressants can also be kind of  happy sometimes.
• If you have fucked up your life, it is almost never too late to unfuck it, but it takes serious effort and concentration (depending on your age) to unfuck years of fucking. So, fuck it. Just kidding. Go for it.
• Many of the happiest people are those who don't think too deeply or look too closely at things. Better to be not so happy.
• You absolutely must look out for your own interests, for no one else in the world will (with only very few exceptions). Also, absolutely be one of the few who looks out for the interests of others and thereby increase the number of exceptions.
• If you want something good to happen, waste very little time wishing or praying for it. Plan it thoughtfully and carefully, then make it happen. But never, never (well, almost never-sometimes bad is good) do anything dishonest. You will harm yourself greatly, and likely hurt others. But if you want something bad to happen, you don't have to make any plans at all.
• Fat is the main cause of our obesity epidemic, along with the extinction of so many man-eating beasts, the ubiquity of air conditioning and computers, and the constant availability of so much delicious food.
• Always get enough sleep. Always. The world looks brighter, things work better, and you, my friend, are vastly more irresistible. 
• Fucking-sixty is the new forty, especially now that they found that 120 year old guy in Bolivia.
• Grace and forgiveness are the finest, most noble values in human experience.
•  If your enemies are determined to kill you, you'd better kill them first, unless, of course, you don't believe in killing, in which case you must accept being killed along with, perhaps, your family and anyone else you could have protected by killing. If you have killed protecting the innocent, you should not feel guilty. You should congratulate yourself. Do you hear me Dexter? 
• I've said it before and I'll say it again: Soylent Green is people, good people. And with a light Bordeaux, they are even better people.
• I have it on good-but-mildly-questionable authority that there is a restaurant China's hinterland that serves human fetuses. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me. Recall that they once bound the feet of women, they harvest the organs of prisoners for sale, use the corpses of those same prisoners for those body exhibitions that have been so popular (that I can't bear to attend), and they killed 20-40 million of their fellow citizens during the worst years of Communist rule. Human beings, the body, and human fetuses should be treated with dignity. If we don't do it, it simply won't be done. Killing fetuses is wrong in almost every instance, and eating them it too barbaric to mention--and it doesn't matter how good that light Bordeaux pairs with them. Making jokes about them is even worse. Shame on me, and shame on you if you laughed. But hey, if you can't laugh about something like that, then you might just have one shred of humanity left. I suggest that you avoid that restaurant on your next visit to China. So, to sum it up, two rules: never (it should go without saying) eat a fetus, and never shake a baby. Actually, there are many more rules than these, and these two aren't even mentioned in the Bible.
• If everyone were paid a living wage, we'd all be much better off, but especially the recipients of that living wage. We'd damn well better learn that the basic interests of others coincide with our self interests.
• In the last analysis, golf is from Satan.

Jeez, this is a pretty pathetic list . . . I should have learned more. I'm sure I have, but whatever that is escapes me just now. I still have a few miles to go before I sleep at fucking-sixty. I hope I'll live to record some of the other important things I've learned before I cross into that undiscovered country.