Alcohol

          I had to take a servers course in order to sell alcohol at Trader Joe's. Among other horrifying things, I learned that the average offender drives under the influence some 300 times before he or she is finally caught and cited. I guess I've beaten the odds. I estimate that I have driven a car while impaired some 500 times, give or take, over my lifetime (I'm old). I'm including the usual instances of "buzzed" driving as well as the very rare occurrences of "sloshed" driving. I want to make it clear that I no longer drive buzzed or sloshed, reducing my chances of being cited, or of thereby harming anyone else, to zero. It was embarrassing for me to estimate and record that number, which, for all I know, is higher. I'll be given the true number on judgement day, I'm sure, right before I am consigned to the lake of fire, were the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.
          Seeing what someone very close to me had to endure after being charged and convicted finally woke me up to the reality that it's never worth the risk, in this life or the next. That awakening should have come forty years ago, when a beloved and brilliant friend of mine, Bob Triplett, sustained permanent brain damage because a drunk ran a red light and demolished his car, and with it his quality of life. He led a significantly altered existence between that accident and his death from AIDS complications some ten years later. Not just a few people roll snake eyes in life. More people are killed each year by drunk drivers than people with guns--some 30% more, though I'm sure there is at least a little overlap--drunk drivers with guns. Add to that the number of gun deaths involving alcohol--roughly one third--and alcohol comes into focus as a much bigger threat to your safety than guns.
          This is no laughing matter, and a terrible scourge in our country, but it's not the scourge I want to talk about, though I wanted to mention it so that you would know that I do not wish to understate or minimize the problem. But there are other alcohol-related phenomena as well, less terrible scourges, some of which are laughing matters, e.g. drunk (or buzzed) dialing, drunk Facebook posting, drunk emailing, and drunk blogging. I have been guilty of all these offences at one time or another. You, kind reader, may now be suspecting that I have a drinking problem. But you'd be wrong. I have no problem drinking, at least until I get very drunk. Drunk drinking can be a real problem. It's very difficult to do. A scourge, in fact. I am aware that some who read this find nothing funny about drunkenness, or alcohol consumption in general, and have even suffered from the excess of others. You have my full sympathy. I, in fact, am one of you. Drunkenness has been cause for great sorrow in human history, and great levity. I would trade the levity in an instant to eliminate the sorrow, but that trade is not mine to make, nor even possible.
          Now for the test. What do you think? Am I drunk blogging? If you were law enforcement and I were driving, would you notice me swerving, pull me over, yank me out of my car, and make me hop on one leg while reciting the alphabet backwards? All you have to go on is this blog entry. Do you think you could discover my BAC (blood alcohol content) by firing questions at me? Fire away. Intuit it from what I have written? Intuit away.
          Have you ever made a phone call you later regretted, said something for which you were later sorry, or posted something idiotic on Facebook while under the influence? I see (even create) idiotic things on Facebook all the time that I am sure were not influenced by alcohol. I'm also sure I have seen insightful or funny things that were.We have all read novels that were written by generally inebriated writers, brilliant poems that were penned by drunks while drunk, or stoners while high.
         So what's my point? I have no idea . . . wait, yes I do. My point is that you might want to consider quitting drinking immediately and beginning to attend twelve-step meetings if that drinking (or otherwise drugging) is screwing up your life and/or someone else's life in any way. The harm you can cause is immeasurable. You'll be saving your own life, and saving or improving the lives of others. Drinking makes you a bad person. If, on the other hand, your drinking neither harms nor has (hardly) ever harmed anyone, if it is, in fact, like salt in the feast of life, or rouses the muse, or pairs irresistibly well with that filet mignon or pork tenderloin you're about to enjoy . . . then drink. But never, never drive (except, perhaps, to save a life), never contend foolishly with loved ones (unless you don't otherwise have the courage to bring up that critical, touchy subject), never risk anything remotely important (job, friendship, marriage, pets, sexual prowess, spirituality, driver's license, the respect of others, the ability to hop on one leg while reciting the alphabet backwards, etc.) for the sake of this significant, but superficial pleasure.